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Death dies of exhaustion, aged 1027

The publicist of Gerald “Grim” Reaper, known better by his stage name Death, has confirmed that the singer, actor and animal rights activist passed away paradoxically, surrounded by the loving souls of those forever condemned to writhe in agony for their sins, on Friday morning.

Death
Death moments before harvesting the soul of Andy Warhol.

Death reportedly collapsed on his way to deliver the spirit of diminutive Scottish entertainer Ronnie Corbett to the face judgement by Simon “Saint” Peter. He was rushed to hospital early this morning and passed away shortly after. The whereabouts of Corbett are yet unknown and residents of Heaven are being asked to check nearby armchairs for signs of ghoulish monologuing.

Sources close to the star have suggested that his increased workload in the first three months of 2016 contributed to the exhaustion that ultimately cost him his life.

The ghost of Terry Pratchett, currently working on his 48th ‘Discworld’ novel, told me, “Well, the poor guy’s been snowed under this year. I mean, it started off alright. First there was that bloke from Motörhead just before New Year but he didn’t make a fuss, wasn’t even surprised.”

“But then there was David Bowie and Alan Rickman in the same week. Terry Wogan, Harper Lee, Paul Daniels, Frank Sinatra Jr. and loads more. I reckon having to deal with Garry Shandling and Patty Duke at the same time wore him down and picking up Ronnie Corbett yesterday was the final straw.”

Death’s career began to flag in the early twentieth century, following the murder of his comedy partner God by Friedrich Nietzsche in 1882 to which Death was, unsurprisingly, a witness. Following a recurring role in ‘The Twilight Zone’, regular stints at panto and the cancellation of his poorly-received solo stand-up comedy act, ‘Woah, who died?’, it wasn’t until a chance encounter with Pratchett that he once again found fame.

“He showed up early, the silly embuggerer,” said the author’s demonic persona, peering down at this reporter from under his trademark wide-brimmed hat with empty, flame-licked eye-sockets. “Some clerical error. Anyway, I thought he’d be a good fit for this book I was working on and he was happy to do it.”

Death appeared the first novel of Pratchett’s ‘Discworld’ series, ‘The Colour of Magic’, in 1983 and found himself once again a household name. As well as a cameo in the final ‘Harry Potter’ story and regular voice work, including ‘Family Guy’ and ‘The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy’, he continued to appear Discworld novels and was due to take a starring role in Pratchett’s upcoming entry.

“We’ve got the big set pieces done, so we’ll just use CG for the rest,” said Pratchett confidently. “He’s got a brother who’s literally a dead ringer for him so that’ll help too.”

The ghost of Death was unavailable for comment.

What are your fondest memories of Death? Let us know in the comments.